musings,

2010-02-12T16:48:00.004-06:00

word(s) for the day:

reproach: to find fault with

culpable: blameworthy

scapegoat: someone who is made to bear the blame for others or to suffer in their place.

tarradiddle: pretentious nonsense

♥
the end.

2010-02-10T14:06:00.004-06:00

tonite is taco night!

i am excited to open my house, once again, for friends to come over and spend quality time over a good meal. family dinners have become one of my most favorite events to set up for my friends. tonight i have decided to make tacos. i have a really great secret marinade recipe for both chicken and steak that never fails to get a great response. i would also like to try a new zucchini and black beans recipe for my vegetarian friends.

the recipe is as follows:
1 sweet onion
4-6 small zucchini (diced)
1 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp curry powder
1 can black beans
2 tbsp salsa

saute the sweet onion and zucchini until tender. reduce the heat to medium and add chili powder, cumin, curry powder, black beans, and salsa. cook for another 10 minutes and then serve.

this recipe makes a great taco filling for vegan/vegitarian friends, as well as a great black bean side item.

and of course, and good taco night is not complete without margaritas and rock band.

♥
the end.

2010-01-22T14:43:00.003-06:00

I spend a lot of days sleeping in and watching tv while i do house chores. Sometimes it gets boring, kind of like today.
So, I've decided to start a list of things that I can do during the day to not make me so lazy, and to better my own life, atleast before I go into work.

thus far my 20 options:
(please give me any suggestions of things you could think of)

1. Today I signed up to be a volunteer at the nashville humane society. I miss my dog, a lot, and right now I have puppy fever. So to help me get through this time, I decided walking dogs, playing with cats, and having some one on one animal time would be great.

2. Read a book. I have a whole shelf of books I've bought that I have been wanting to read. Why not take an hour or so a day to read a few chapters?

3. Blog more. I NEED to get back to writing more. I need to beat this creative block, and challenge myself more.

4. Visit the Frist. Because I don't enough.

5. Go to a matanee movie.

6. Invest in more lunch/coffee dates with friends who have 9-5 jobs. I don't get to see them enough because of our different work schedules. So why not utilize that hour or so we both have off to spend some time together.

7. Begin studying gardening, and preparing myself to grow my first vegetable garden this year.

8. Have a spa date. Get a massage. Get a facial. Pedicure/Manicure?! Why not.

9. Watch a movie I haven't seen in a long time. I just got netflix, why not take advantage.

10. Work on a puzzle.

11. Practice Yoga/Take a dance class or something.

12. Learn how to cook a new dish...start having family lunches?!

13. Take a walk in the park.

14. Go window shopping. Although this is very hard for me.

15. Learn/practice how to play the harmonica. I've had this thing for over a year, so why not.

16. Paint.

17. Write letters and actually send them to friends. I love it, and I have a few pen pals that I've been slacking on sending them letters and mail recently.

18. Take an afternoon trip somewhere a little out of town, and go thrifting.

19. Take a pottery class...because I've been wanting to FOREVER.

20. Clean out my closet...because sometimes it gets really ridiculous.

I'm gonna enjoy life like Ferris Bueller...
"So what are we going to do?"
"The question isn't "what are we going to do," the question is "what aren't we going to do?"

♥
the end.

2010-01-21T13:42:00.003-06:00

I'm feeling a little discouraged because of some recent conversations I've had.

People misinterpreted my motives. They misinterpreted my drive. Others look at my hard work as slacking.

It's frustrating when people tell you these things, when it isn't like that at all.

being misunderstood is one of my biggest pet peeves.

seriously.

♥
the end.

2010-01-12T11:03:00.002-06:00

i have so many things i want to blog/write/vent/talk about, and i can't catch hold of any of my words/ideas/thoughts.

sooooooo frustrating.

♥
the end.

2009-12-24T06:54:00.002-06:00

As this year comes to an end I am reminded of one thing: I am still as lazy as I was at the beginning of the year.

With that being said, I was still able to knock off a few things from my list of things to do in 2009. Although, I still have not made it completely through the book "Crime and Punishment", I am not fluent in spanish, and I cannot play one song on my harmonica, I did put a small dent in each one of these things.

It was a strange year. Good things, bad things, very bad things, and sad sad things. So, as 2009 comes to a close, I look to the future for new and exciting events, accomplishments, and memories.

2010 will be more of a pratical year for me...
Maybe I'll actually get out of bed at a decent hour everyday and conquer the day.
Maybe I'll spend more time traveling to see my family.
Maybe I'll write a lot, and actually utilize the people and talents surrounding me.
Maybe I'll finally show people my writings.
Maybe I'll start a savings account, and possibly stick to it.

But at the same time, I want to have fun.
And so this will happen.

Merry Christmas, friends.

♥
the end.

2009-11-19T14:44:00.002-06:00

i don't even know what to say.

i am tired.
i feel as though i've lost a few screws in my brain.
...and i'm not even kidding.

trying to get my life back on track. i sometimes loose grips that i actually have to set rules in my life. that sometimes, even when i'm emotional, i have to be careful and contain my will power, because otherwise it gets me in trouble.

i feel like i fell, and i fell hard. i was close to tripping over the edge, but i believe i caught myself, but almost a hair too late.

so, now.

i'm cutting out certain aspects of my life, to allow myself to grow.
to come back to my senses, and to regain these few brain cells i feel i've lost.
common sense.
i need it back.

♥
the end.

2009-11-09T13:20:00.003-06:00

This morning I went and enjoyed breakfast with my friend, Sarah, and we talked a lot about growing up. Sometimes I wish that I didn't feel weird when I acted like a child. I like to play dress up, I like to paint my face and walk around town like it's normal, I like to climb trees and play follow the leader, I like to have imaginary conversations, and sometimes put on an apron and act like I'm about to have a fancy tea party with friends.

I don't believe it is wrong that I do this. I think it keeps me sane. But at the same time, I wonder if I will ever loose my childish tendencies. When will I start to think of myself as weird and immature and needing to become an actual adult.

And it's weird that I just said ACTUAL adult. Because I am an adult. Living on my own, working a serious job, paying my own bills, taking care of myself and business. But at the same time, I still go out, I still play. I just wonder if I will ever grow out of this.

Because, frankly, I don't want to.

♥
the end.

2009-11-07T15:53:00.004-06:00

I moved my bed to the center of my three beautiful windows that face my front yard. It's been a nice change to wake up on these crisp autumn days and open my windows to change. I am quite jealous, though, of my neighbors yard, covered in orange, yellow, red, and green leaves that blanket the grass, with both trees covered in the same colors for many many more weeks.

I woke up the other morning, with the sun shining on my face, and as I opened my heavy eyes I notice many dark spots on my ceiling. As as I focused, I noticed that the these small spots were ladybugs. And a sense of luck washed over me. Call me supersticious, but I needed it the very moment.

Tear stained pillows cover my room.

It's been a tough few months, with the passing of my grandfather, and a week ago the passing of my baby, my pride, my joy, my love, my dog of 13 years. It's hard. It's weird. Coming home in the morning hours after a hard night at work, hoping to hear him slide through the door just to say "oh hi mommy, lets go to sleep now" and then only a few hours later to see his small black nose barely rest on my sheets, because of his short legs, asking me to get up and go outside with him. It's hard to explain the undenying love that we shared for each other. It's hard to explain that without words, he walked with me from my times of starting high school to my move into nashville. He's been a huge part of my life. Comforting me during my sickness, giving me kisses while I cried, welcoming me home everytime I walked in the door.

death is very real.

My grandfather dying three months ago has scarred my heart in an untelling way. His love, our bond, will always be remembered in my heart. But it's like a wound that has gone away, you never remember the feeling of how much it hurt, you just remember the way it looked. I loved him very much. And as I remember that love, I will never get to feel it the way I did when I saw him in person. Same goes for my dog.

Life is stressful.
Death is hard.

But there is always something new and exciting happening. Which is the luxury of this life. The pain will go away, but slowly, and I'm okay with that.

♥
the end.

2009-10-05T14:50:00.001-05:00

Rob Bell posted these on his Twitter today, and they were pretty encouraging:

Blessed are you, for God is with you, God is on your side, God meets you in that place.
about 3 hours ago from TweetDeck

Blessed are those who on a regular basis have a dark day in which despair seems to be a step behind them wherever they go.
about 3 hours ago from TweetDeck

Blessed are those stumble, trip, and fall in the same place again and again.
about 3 hours ago from TweetDeck

Blessed are those who ache because of how severely out of whack the world is.
about 3 hours ago from TweetDeck

Blessed are those who have run out of strength, ideas, will power, resolve, or energy.
about 3 hours ago from TweetDeck

Blessed are those who don't have it all together.
about 3 hours ago from TweetDeck

♥
the end.

2009-09-29T22:19:00.000-05:00

Well, the grasses are swaying, the suns going down
Music is playing, you’re weaving through town
Pull into the drive way, toss it in park
You stare out of the windshield, out into the world
It was all for the love of a wayward girl
Who left you with a second place smile and a broken heart

The streetlights are starting to flicker to life
They glow for a minute then they get bright
Fireflies light up circle and spark
But there’s nothing really that you can do
Put your hands in your pockets and try to get through
The distance between the daylight and the dark

The front porch flags lie themselves down
Like forgotten soldiers and old wedding gowns
In closets unopened and graves without any marks
As the night curtains lower behind the rooftops
Shadows dance across the sidewalks
Ricochet off of the houses like pieces of art

You’re mind is reeling as the sky is changing
All you’re feeling and you’re re-arranging
The rest of your life like lines on an old sailors chart
You climb back in and fire the ignition
Put your hands on the wheel and head into the distance
The distance between the daylight and the dark

♥
the end.

2009-08-14T19:10:00.002-05:00

A lot of changes in two weeks.

Apparently I picked another winner, who in turn, decided to be more disrespectful with my feelings than I had ever intended. I refuse to allow shallow people in my life, and every once in awhile they slip through the cracks and I am once again re-evaluating why I chose to let this certain person get to know me. Frustrations are abound, but it's okay. I'll get over it. I'm learning to let things like this roll off my back, because they come so often.

Secondly I moved into a new home with one of my best friends in the world, as well as another lady who is equally wonderful. I'm going to miss my old house, and my friends that I lived with before, but this change was a must. So many things went into the final decision to move out. Now, I have my dog, a giant porch, and a big beautiful house with a lot of character. I'm excited to see the transition I make as I'm living in this house.

And last, my grandfather, whom I loved more than words could express, passed away on August 3, 2009. This past weekend was spent in Kentucky with my extended family. It was a very bittersweet time, but it was expected. Having the whole family there really helped ease the pain of loss. But his visitation was more than I expected, and his funeral was exactly as I had hoped it to be. It's still a surreal feeling knowing that I'm not going to ever see him again.

And that is a hard feeling.

But, I'm going to keep going, hoping to establish some of his traits in my daily life, and remember him always, as well as telling the stories of what kind of man he was to my future children. It makes me sad that they will never get to know him the way that I did.

♥
the end.

2009-07-20T14:36:00.001-05:00

[my friend NiTasha is one of the best writers i know.]

you show them all
a real good time
always laughing with your
tired brown eyes
and you move so fast
but it feels too slow
when bad news comes
you say it's how it goes

but easy, honey
you're one of the good ones
even when it comes undone
easy, honey
all will be well here
all is gonna come clear
just you hold on

you hate it when
they're always late
you hate it when
you have to wait
and you have so much
you never show
there are things that
they will never know

but easy, honey
you're one of the good ones
even when it comes undone
easy, honey
all will be well here
all is gonna come clear
just you hold on

i wanna take you
somewhere else
to breathe
to feel a little more like yourself
and watch your heavy eyes
just sleep
a day with no place
you have to be

but easy, honey
you're one of the good ones
even when it comes undone
easy, honey
all will be well here
all is gonna come clear
just you hold on

2009-07-15T13:39:00.003-05:00

"Late one afternoon, while waiting for a Fifth Avenue bus, I noticed a taxi stop across the street to let out a girl who ran up the steps of the Fourty-second Street public library. She was through the doors before I recognized her, which was pardonable, for Holly and libraries were not an easy association to make. I let curiousity guide me between the lions, debating on the way whether I should admit following her or pretend coincidence. In the end I did neither, but concealed myself some tables away from her in the general reading room, where she sat behind her dark glasses and a fortress of literature she'd gathered at the desk. She sped from one book to the next, intermittently lingering on a page, always with a frown, as if it were printed upside down. She had a pencil poised above paper--nothing seemed to catch her fancey, still now and then, though for the hell of it, she made laborious scribblings. Watching her, I remembered a girl I'd known in school, a grind, Mildred Grossman. Mildred: with her moist hair and greasy spectacles, her stained fingers that dissected frogs and carried coffee to picket lines, her flat eyes that only turned toward the stars to estimate their chemical tonnage. Earth and air could not be more opposite than Mildred and Holly, yet in my head they acquired a Siamese twinship. And the thread of thought that had sewn them together ran like this: the average personality reshapes frequently, every few years even our bodies undergo a complete overhaul--desireable or not, it is a natural thing that we should change. All right, here were two people who never would. That is what Mildred Grossman had in common with holly Golightly. They would never change because they'd been given their character too soon; which, like sudden riches, leads to lack of proportion: the one had splurged herself into a top-heavy realist, the other a lopsided romantic. I imaginged them in a restaurant of the future, Mildred still studying the menu for its nutritional values, Holly still gluttonous for everything on it. It would never be different. They would walk through life and out of it with the same determined step that took small notice of those cliffs at the left. Such profound observations made me forget where I was; I came to, startled to find myself in the gloom of the library, and surprised all over again to see Holly there."

Breakfast at Tiffany's
Truman Capote

2009-07-13T15:47:00.003-05:00

my best friend about a year ago introduced myself to the movie 'Triplets of Belleville'. The other day I rediscovered it. The gist of this silent film is about a grandmother who is trying to make her grandson happy, by discovering his fascination for bicycles, she buys him one. Only to show in the future with him contending in the Tour de France, with his grandmother as his trainer. During the race, the grandson and a few others are kidnapped and taken to Belleville. The grandmother then sets out (with the family dog) to find him. The two are discovered by three former famous vaudevillians - The Triplets of Belleville, who help to rescue her grandson.
This movie caught my attention with the unusual visual images. The characters are not the prettiest of types, but you fall in love with their unique quirkiness. This, as well as the few songs played during the movie capture the essence of what is happening making this film one of a kind.

♥
the end.

2009-07-01T12:26:00.000-05:00

♥
the end.

2009-06-26T19:09:00.005-05:00

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself
I started to fade away

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart
The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

2009-06-10T14:35:00.002-05:00

my dad used to tell my brothers and i that "black clouds are our friend" to calm us down during a storm.

sometimes, when things are going wrong, or life is just not making sense, i remember what he said. because even when it's storming, things will look up and it only makes us stronger.

my friends, and myself, are going through some heavy feelings right now.
it doesn't make sense, but i only hope for the best for all of us.

my friend, amanda lee, once said to me "we only live once, so why can't we just make the best of it."
i'm taking her advice and walking through this sorrow with my head up.

♥
the end.

2009-05-29T14:56:00.000-05:00

Through mostly vacant streets, a baker from the outskirts of his town
Earned his living peddling sweets from the ragged cart he dragged around.
The clever fox crept close behind, kept an ever-watchful eye
For a chance to steal a ginger spice cake or a boysenberry pie.

Looking down was the hungry crow, "When the time is right, I'll strike
And condescend to the earth below and take whichever treat I'd like."
The moment the baker turned around to shoo the fox off from his cart,
The crow swooped down and snatched a shortbread cookie and a German chocolate tart.

Using most unfriendly words that the village children had not yet heard,
the baker shouted threats by canzonette to curse the crafty bird.
"You rotten wooden mixing spoon! Why you midnight winged racoon!
You better bring those pastries back, you no-good burned-black macaroon!"

The fox approached the tree where the bird was perched, delighted in his nest.
"Brother Crow, don't you remember me? It's your old friend Fox with a humble request.
If you could share just a modest piece, seeing as I distracted that awful man."
This failed to persuade the crow in the least, so the fox rethought his plan.

"Then if your lovely song would grace my ears, or to even hear you speak,
Would ease my pains and fears." The crow looked down with a candy in his beak.
"Your poems of wisdom, my good crow, what a paradise they bring!"
This flattery pleased the proud bird, so he opened his mouth and began to sing:

"Your subtle acclamation's true! Best to give praise where praise is due.
Every rook and jay in the Corvidae's been raving about me too.
They admire me, one and all. Must be the passion in my caw!
My slender bill known through the escadrille, my fierce commanding claw!"

I got a walnut brownie brain, and molasses in my veins,
Crushed graham cracker crust, my powdered sugared funnel cake cocaine.
Let the crescent cookie rise. These carob colored almond eyes
Will see my cashewed princess in the swirling marble sky.
Will rest upon the knee, where all the visions cease to be
A root beer float in our banana boat across the tapioca sea.
When letting all attachments go, is the only prayer we know,
May it be so, may it be so, may it be so, oh.

2009-05-10T20:57:00.005-05:00

dear jim and jon,

i miss you a lot. wish you were here so i could share my adventures with you.

♥

stephanie

2009-05-09T15:36:00.004-05:00

Roald Dahl was a best-selling British fiction writer whose book sales numbered close to 100 million copies. He is best known as the author of several children's books, notably Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and James and the Giant Peach. However he also turned his talents to adult tales which feature perverse characters, twisted plots and surprise endings. Dahl lived an adventurous life, the equal of any of his characters, as a Shell oil executive in Tanganyika, RAF pilot in WWII, and British intelligence agent in Washington DC. It was only until after he met one of his favorite author's from childhood, C.S. Forester, who encouraged him into the world of creative writing. Some of the most valuable information i have learned from this man about becoming a children's author is this:

"1. You should have a lively imagination.

2. You should be able to write well. By that I mean you should be able to make a scene come alive in the reader's mind. Not everybody has this ability. It is a gift, and you either have it or you don't.

3. You must have stamina. In other words, you must be able to stick to what you are doing and never give up, for hour after hour, day after day, week after week, and month after month.

4. You must be a perfectionist. That means you must never be satisfied with what you have written until you have rewritten it again and again, making it a good a you posibly can.

5. You must have strong self-dicipline. You are working alone. No one is empoying you. No one i around to fire you if you don't turn up for work, or to tick you off if you start slacking.

6. It helps a lot if you have a keen sense of humor. This is not essential when writing for grown-ups, but for children, it's vital.

7. you must have a degree of humility. The writer who thinks his work is marvelous is heading for trouble."

--"Lucky Break"

♥

the end.

2009-05-08T17:12:00.004-05:00

i have a new obsession with Gerda Steiner and Jörg Lenzlinger who are known to be two of the most sucessful contemporary Swiss artists. The pair bring together made and found objects to create extravagant, magical installations that are full of fantasy, beauty, and wonder.

i hope to one day be able to see these installations in person.

♥

the end.

2009-05-07T16:23:00.000-05:00